Post the riots that began in London and spread around the UK in 2011 after the shooting of Mark Duggan by a police officer, I had an interesting online conversation about an interview on Panorama. On the current affairs TV programme was an historian called David Starkey who made some controversial comments about young black youths who he felt were (negatively) influencing the language (and by implication the culture) of white youths:
I had seen the fallout on Facebook the following morning, and declared I was going to watch the programme. One Facebook friend took pains to let me know he agreed with Starkey’s points and posted a broadsheet article on my wall that backed up his view. I thought nothing of it until others urged me to watch the episode for myself, and then decide.
When I did watch the Panorama episode back that evening, I couldn’t believe that this guy – let’s call him ‘Joe’ – could not see the implied racism in the comments made by Starkey and neither could many others who railed against him (black and white). However, what many commenting on my page did not know was that ‘Joe’ was married to a black woman and had a bi-racial son.
He is married to a black woman and has a bi-racial son.
For this reason alone, I was amazed.
At this time I was exploring intra- and interculturalism in my studies – I was hyper aware of race and racism and I was beginning to understand that if I were ever to date a white or any non-black man again, I would have to screen him for his understanding/empathy regarding racial issues. Add this to the fact they would need to be practising Christians and into the arts enough to be with someone like me who works in the entertainment industy! #NotTooMuchToAsk
IGNORANCE IS BLISS
LOL, I am aware that overthinking can lead to faithlessness – after all, as believers we walk by faith and not by sight (2 Corinthians 5:7). However, my caution is in response to real events. For example, a white man approached me on a dating site for Christians earlier this year and I was initially concerned as I wasn’t interested. But, encouraged by a wise older woman at church to just respond and be friendly rather than projecting too far into the future, I messaged back and agreed to a phone-call.
I had asked him, based on a comment he made about his reason for being single into his 40s, whether he had worked through the particular issue that had hindered him, and becoming defensive about my question he asked whether I was Nigerian! I had put my ethnic background as ‘British Nigerian’ on my profile so…?
Basically I, who was speaking with an English accent, had been ‘othered’ by this guy! Apparently, Nigerians tend to be ‘business-like’. I was outraged. He had decided I was not sensitive or empathetic (erroneous in my opinion) and made those qualities synonymous with an ethnicity, and on top of that denied my dual heritage by identifying me as Nigerian rather than the British Nigerian I am. Interesting.
When on the receiving end of everyday racism, it is impossible to be ignorant of racial conflict.
Then again, I have plenty of friends in sound interracial relationships, where love and respect are in abundance. There just seems to be something about the current climate in the West in general, where race relations are tense. I feel that social media has magnified all kinds of ideas, opinions and prejudices regarding race and ethnicity, especially when they are made in response to events concerning people of colour. Positively, there is also more access to social commentators who have coined and expounded on terms that have helped us to explain the signs of systemic racism that permeates all aspects of life (like Reni-Eddo Lodge who wrote Why I’m No Longer Talking to White People About Race, 2017).
THE ASSAULT ON BLACK WOMEN
Make no mistake, the image of the black woman has been tainted. I remember the time an article was published about why black women are less attractive than others: https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2011/may/18/satoshi-kanazawa-black-women-psychology-today
I also remember trying the dating site OK Cupid for a few days some years back and finding that they were not shy about telling users that black women were least popular on there: https://theblog.okcupid.com/race-and-attraction-2009-2014-107dcbb4f060 .
There is an assault on black women by some black men too it seems – black men who prefer white or lighter skinned black women – perhaps for their softer hair or their perceived prettier looks or less ‘hardened’ demeanour. And although it should not matter to me one iota, these days I cannot help passing an interracial couple where the man is black and wondering what informed the attraction – did the man always date white or lighter skinned women? And if so, why?
I find that being of African heritage adds an interesting dimension, because each culture within the continent is very strong. Thus, I think that cultural tribalism and patriarchy mean that it is both easier to marry within one’s own African culture rather than into another and, that a woman raised overseas may feel more alienated from her countrymen raised in Africa than from those born and raised in the UK.
By the way, this post was not created to focus on the negatives, but rather to provoke honest dialogue about preferences for those of us who want to date.
Sometimes, stating that I’d prefer to date a black man is seen as too rigid of me and I have been advised to just be open. However, when a white guy says he would prefer to date a blonde (which implies not a black woman) would he be corrected? How is one acceptable and not the other? Then again, perhaps some of us ‘right on’ brothers and sisters take things too far? I went on a date back in April with a guy who only approached black women who sported their natural hair. He ghosted me, LOL, but I compared notes with a friend he had also dated, and he had told her that he would only attend churches in which the pastors are black! #WhereIsTheLove
Dating and marriage require intimacy, and thus I don’t think we are easily able to separate our deep held beliefs or experiences from our preference for the person we hope to marry. I suppose that as Christians, the most important thing is to allow the heart and mind to be shaped by God: we can meditate on the Word, keep abreast of current affairs and be humble with our brothers and sisters, considering their perspectives on life.
Utimately, my hope is that the Gospel rather than fear will drive our dating choices in God’s kingdom, despite the very real challenges that presents.
Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect. (Romans 12:2)
Travelling While Single 