Are we in this (life) together?

So…I have been reflecting on why I have been a little unstirred by conversations regarding the church’s singles community of late.

I recently attended a good panel discussion focussed on several church related topics, including that of gender roles, and whether singles of either gender are/should be pastored differently. Many points were made, some of which I’ve heard before, but my ears perked up when one sister in the congregation shared that over-promoting marriage in the church is futile when too many marriages, in her opinion, are doing badly, some with cases of pornography, or spiritual immaturity.

This is it. I sometimes tire of conversations that centre on an ‘us ‘vs’ them’ trope: Why aren’t single Christian men marrying sooner? Why do single women outnumber single men, etc? I want to be empowered by my relationship with Christ, not victimised by my relationships (or lack thereof) with single men in the church! Also, the older I get the more sensitive I become about attending events that remind me I am unmarried – not single – but unmarried. And if it’s an event for the purposes of meeting potential suitors, then I don’t want to be reminded that I, along with other sisters, outnumber the men, have not been chosen, or, if I am ‘chosen’, it is at the expense of another beautiful sister.

I genuinely believe that to be single and Christian is a glorious position – and it comes with challenges as diverse as there are different types of marriage. I mean, how appropriate is it to have a pastor at a singles mixer pitch mainly to young, never-marrieds, when in the group are middle-aged divorcees, or widows, or single parents? True story – this happened at a singles event I attended recently!

What I want to know is: what do I have in common with my brother or sister who happens to be married?

Perhaps it is the pain of being pursued by a perfectly well-rounded, handsome NON-CHRISTIAN man? Add to that, when interests in Christian brothers have gone unrequited. For a married person, it may be the pain of being pursued by someone/anyone other than their spouse. Or being attracted to another when things are not going so well in their marriage. I made the commitment to take up my cross and follow Jesus, which means not being yoked with an unbeliever [2 Corinthians 6:14], just as a married believer made the commitment to prefer their partner above any other [1 Corinthians 7:10-11]. And I’ve appreciated spouses who have admitted they have been attracted to others and/or have perhaps entered into an emotional or physical affair that had repercussions in their marriage because… we’re in this together.  Now there’s common ground: the call to take up one’s cross daily and follow Jesus [Luke 9:23].

Perhaps we share the challenge of being chaste whilst not retreating in a convent, but being exposed to the licentiousness in the world – having to face the kissing/canoodling couples on public transport on a daily basis for example… Must spouses not also refrain from lusting after anyone but their partner, or else commit adultery? [Matthew 5:28]

Or how about the insecurities that a changing body may generate; preparing to grieve the possibility of, or actually grieving not ever having children… Do married couples not deal with infertility and/or miscarriages or perhaps missing the opportunity to bear children due to late marriage or a lack of finances?

Finally, what about sexual addictions/pornography? Do all married couples experience healthy sex lives with no dysfunction, no adultery?

I don’t think we singles who desire marriage should ever stop collectively processing the pain of hope deferred [Proverbs 13:12] – the hope to be married one day – but I do wonder whether we would be better off finding the common ground between ourselves and our married brethren so that our focus/aspirations may be centred ultimately on Jesus and on cultivating rich Christian community that promotes most our unity in Christ [Galatians 3:27-29]. ♥

Preferences in Dating: harmful or self-protective?

Post the riots that began in London and spread around the UK in 2011 after the shooting of Mark Duggan by a police officer, I had an interesting online conversation about an interview on Panorama. On the current affairs TV programme was an historian called David Starkey who made some controversial comments about young black youths who he felt were (negatively) influencing the language (and by implication the culture) of white youths:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/av/uk-14513517/england-riots-the-whites-have-become-black-says-david-starkey

I had seen the fallout on Facebook the following morning, and declared I was going to watch the programme. One Facebook friend took pains to let me know he agreed with Starkey’s points and posted a broadsheet article on my wall that backed up his view. I thought nothing of it until others urged me to watch the episode for myself, and then decide.

When I did watch the Panorama episode back that evening, I couldn’t believe that this guy – let’s call him ‘Joe’ – could not see the implied racism in the comments made by Starkey and neither could many others who railed against him (black and white). However, what many commenting on my page did not know was that ‘Joe’ was married to a black woman and had a bi-racial son.

He is married to a black woman and has a bi-racial son.

For this reason alone, I was amazed.

At this time I was exploring intra- and interculturalism in my studies – I was hyper aware of race and racism and I was beginning to understand that if I were ever to date a white or any non-black man again, I would have to screen him for his understanding/empathy regarding racial issues. Add this to the fact they would need to be practising Christians and into the arts enough to be with someone like me who works in the entertainment industy! #NotTooMuchToAsk

 

IGNORANCE IS BLISS

LOL, I am aware that overthinking can lead to faithlessness – after all, as believers we walk by faith and not by sight (2 Corinthians 5:7). However, my caution is in response to real events. For example, a white man approached me on a dating site for Christians earlier this year and I was initially concerned as I wasn’t interested. But, encouraged by a wise older woman at church to just respond and be friendly rather than projecting too far into the future, I messaged back and agreed to a phone-call.

I had asked him, based on a comment he made about his reason for being single into his 40s, whether he had worked through the particular issue that had hindered him, and becoming defensive about my question he asked whether I was Nigerian! I had put my ethnic background as ‘British Nigerian’ on my profile so…?

Basically I, who was speaking with an English accent, had been ‘othered’ by this guy! Apparently, Nigerians tend to be ‘business-like’. I was outraged. He had decided I was not sensitive or empathetic (erroneous in my opinion) and made those qualities synonymous with an ethnicity, and on top of that denied my dual heritage by identifying me as Nigerian rather than the British Nigerian I am. Interesting. 

When on the receiving end of everyday racism, it is impossible to be ignorant of racial conflict.

Then again, I have plenty of friends in sound interracial relationships, where love and respect are in abundance. There just seems to be something about the current climate in the West in general, where race relations are tense. I feel that social media has magnified all kinds of ideas, opinions and prejudices regarding race and ethnicity, especially when they are made in response to events concerning people of colour. Positively, there is also more access to social commentators who have coined and expounded on terms that have helped us to explain the signs of systemic racism that permeates all aspects of life (like Reni-Eddo Lodge who wrote Why I’m No Longer Talking to White People About Race, 2017).

THE ASSAULT ON BLACK WOMEN

Make no mistake, the image of the black woman has been tainted. I remember the time an article was published about why black women are less attractive than others: https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2011/may/18/satoshi-kanazawa-black-women-psychology-today

I also remember trying the dating site OK Cupid for a few days some years back and finding that they were not shy about telling users that black women were least popular on there: https://theblog.okcupid.com/race-and-attraction-2009-2014-107dcbb4f060 .

There is an assault on black women by some black men too it seems – black men who prefer white or lighter skinned black women – perhaps for their softer hair or their perceived prettier looks or less ‘hardened’ demeanour. And although it should not matter to me one iota, these days I cannot help passing an interracial couple where the man is black and wondering what informed the attraction – did the man always date white or lighter skinned women? And if so, why?

I find that being of African heritage adds an interesting dimension, because each culture within the continent is very strong. Thus, I think that cultural tribalism and patriarchy mean that it is both easier to marry within one’s own African culture rather than into another and, that a woman raised overseas may feel more alienated from her countrymen raised in Africa than from those born and raised in the UK.

By the way, this post was not created to focus on the negatives, but rather to provoke honest dialogue about preferences for those of us who want to date.

Sometimes, stating that I’d prefer to date a black man is seen as too rigid of me and I have been advised to just be open. However, when a white guy says he would prefer to date a blonde (which implies not a black woman) would he be corrected? How is one acceptable and not the other? Then again, perhaps some of us ‘right on’ brothers and sisters take things too far? I went on a date back in April with a guy who only approached black women who sported their natural hair. He ghosted me, LOL, but I compared notes with a friend he had also dated, and he had told her that he would only attend churches in which the pastors are black! #WhereIsTheLove

Dating and marriage require intimacy, and thus I don’t think we are easily able to separate our deep held beliefs or experiences from our preference for the person we hope to marry. I suppose that as Christians, the most important thing is to allow the heart and mind to be shaped by God: we can meditate on the Word, keep abreast of current affairs and be humble with our brothers and sisters, considering their perspectives on life.

Utimately, my hope is that the Gospel rather than fear will drive our dating choices in God’s kingdom, despite the very real challenges that presents.

Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect. (Romans 12:2)

 

Over ‘spiritual’

I read a piece the other week stating that one of the reasons marriages are not happening between members in the same church is down to some sisters having a moral superiority complex – assuming we are holier than many men in our church…Oops! Valid points were made in the article, but it got me thinking I’d like to write about the difference between being a spiritually disciplined person and merely spiritual – and why I think it matters when it comes to dating relationships.

Every Christian is spiritual. A Christian by definition is a disciple or follower of Christ (Acts 11:25-26). We have crucified the flesh, been baptised into Christ Jesus (Romans 6:3-4) and the Spirit of God resides in us (Romans 8:9-11). Can a person make Jesus Lord of their lives without being spiritual?

 

Christians are also instructed to grow (Ephesians 4:15), shown how to achieve growth (2 Peter 1:5-7), and we are told that growth is measurable:

²² But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, ²³ gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. ²⁴ And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. ²⁵ If we live by the Spirit, let us also keep in step with the Spirit. [Galatians 5:22-25]

Spiritual disciplines help us draw close to God, becoming more like Him. Here is a list of disciplines I’ve found helpful, as defined by Dallas Willard, author of The Spirit of the Disciplines:

Disciplines of Abstinence:

Solitude—Spending time alone to be with God

Silence—Removing noisy distractions to hear from God.

Fasting—Skipping a meal(s) to find greater nourishment from God.

Frugality—Learning to live with less money and still meet your basic needs.

Chastity—Voluntarily choosing to abstain from sexual pleasures for a time (those pleasures that are deemed morally right in the bond of marriage) to find higher fulfilment in God.

Secrecy—Avoiding self-promotion, practice serving God without others knowing.

Sacrifice—Giving of our resources beyond what seems reasonable to remind us of our dependence on Christ.

…and Engagement:

Study—Spending time reading the Scriptures and meditating on its meaning and importance to our lives.

Worship—Offering praise and adoration to God.

Prayer—Talking to and listening to God about your relationship with Him and about the concerns of others.

Fellowship—Mutual caring and ministry in the body of Christ.

Confession—Regularly confess your sins to the Lord and other trusted individuals.

Submission—Humbling yourself before God and others while seeking accountability in relationships.

This is a challenging but useful inventory of activities that fulfil their purpose when we become more Christ-like through regular practice. This I believe, is what it means to be spiritually disciplined (Hebrews 5:14).

But is a guy who is becoming more like Christ attractive to you?

We follow the Lord, but are we ready to accept ALL of Him? His frugality… His commitment to prayer…?

Perhaps we secretly despise men who serve humbly and sacrificially.

Maybe we shy away from straight-talkers who are ready to defend the Gospel publicly.

And perhaps frugality scares the hell out of us.

So we must in fact ask ourselves whether we are maturing and growing in our understanding of and love for Jesus, before we start scanning the pews for our spiritual knight!

Ultimately, it’s for you to decide whether a spiritually disciplined person – a man who consistently sets aside time to engage with our God through abstinence or spiritual activities – is the best candidate to date or marry, but I certainly know that a relationship is most dynamic and healthy when there is growth in both partners.

 

Resources

• https://bible.org/illustration/spiritual-disciplines
• The Spirit of the Disciplines: Understanding How God Changes Lives, Dallas Willard
• Celebration of Discipline: The Path to Spiritual Growth, Richard J. Foster